Creating A Dream

After arriving in the Rocky Mountains, I spent the summer managing the staff at a outdoors camp for girls.  Working with the college staff at this camp, helped me reflect back upon the origins of esTeam Girls, a company I created to shift existing cultural paradigms- namely mainstream notions that encourage girls to act a certain way in order to “belong” and to seek approval outside of themselves.  Resulting in girls forming their identities based less upon the inherent strength, wisdom and beauty inside them and instead, influenced by societal expectations of who they "should be".

During my experience working with college-age girls, I was able to witness the ways in which paradigms of “unworthiness” are woven deeply into our culture and thus, embedded into girls' identities- impacting how young women see, value and understand their worth in the workplace and world.

In working with college-aged girls, I found that young women who had yet to develop a foundational sense of self, spent their energy seeking external validation, and in doing so, were distracted from developing bigger dreams, stepping into positions of leadership, & awakening to their innate potential.

After spending the summer in the mountains, I decided to move to Denver, still unsure of my next step.  I found a part time job and spent my free time in coffee shops, working to create a scalable model for esTeam.  I wrote a lot, iterating the pre-existing curriculum, all the while, feeling frustrated that I hadn't found the creative clarity I had been seeking.

Looking back, I can now see the way that this period of confusion/"not knowing" helped me create space to find new answers.  I realized → I couldn't "think my way" to a solution, instead, I needed to uncover the answers inside myself.

There's a poem by Hafiz, a 14th century Persian mystic called, "Tired of Speaking Sweetly" and in it he describes this process of "being human" quite nicely, saying:

The Beloved sometimes wants

to do us a great favor:

Hold us upside down

and shake all the nonsense out.

Being in Colorado felt like a literal shaking of my own identity- a period of consciously surrendering into not "knowing"- releasing of any expectations that I'd placed upon myself which didn't feel right.  I found myself letting go of identities that no longer seemed to fit who I'd become.  I spent a lot of time reflecting upon what I'd learned and created on my journey thus far, while also asking myself "Why I am I here?" and "How can I align more with my own light and in doing so, help shift human consciousness to operate from places of love rather than fear?"

Admittedly, this time felt mostly uncomfortable -- I felt far away from all the things that had previously defined my identity and hadn't found any of the answers I seeking.  Still, I knew that I needed to let go of everything I'd known to create an openness for new ideas. On the evening of winter solstice, I received a clear intuitive insight: "remember your original vision, esTeam's programs are meant to be relevant and accessible to all girls".

In this moment, I realized that I had yet to truly made it to the "the wildflowers".  I felt frustrated that this journey was becoming so literal.  But being the exceptionally curious person that I am- I knew I had to find these wildflowers, just to see if a metaphorical treasure was waiting there for me. I just didn't have a clue as to how to get there. (Part 2 of 4)

"Imagine every whale was free to roam

Imagine if the trees could tell us where to go

Imagine that the sun could fill each lonely heart

Imagine confrontation never got a start

Imagine things will were always crystal clear

Imagine if the mind never interfered

Imagine we could fly with broken wings

Imagine if the heart could shed its skin

Please patience please patience please I'm creating a dream"

- Xavier Rudd, Creating A Dream